Once upon a time, a boy picked up a weight, and fell in love. Once upon the same time, a girl saw his muscles, and got wet.
Well, not so much.
The lines of friendship between men and women have often been crossed, barely visible and straddeled. Someone is always asking, does he/she like me? what are we? At some point, friends look at each other and think of a potential “What if?” thinking if they went past the friendship line and became something more. For the lucky few, that happens at the same time and they end up in ever lasting love. For the unlucky few, we end up pondering this forever until some other person is flaunted in front of our face as the “one.”
After a few months of this back and forth friend / boyfriend relationship, I have finally decided to no longer let this man take over my entire existence. I have said “no” to several dates and invites out, but didn’t care. Recently, there is someone who I have decided is worth my effort in return. I mentioned this to my now, “friend” who has proceeded for a few days to insult, belittle, berate and impersonate this new guy. Being that we all go to the same gym, my “friends” presence up my ass while this new guy is around, is completely apparent - waving his dick around whenever he can just to claim me, without really having a claim.
My immediate thought, I am not a tree. You are not a dog. You cannot pee on me and claim me to be yours. You cannot throw out your old toy and then get annoyed when the kid down the block is playing with it. What is with having to SCARE men into doing the right thing? AND if he finally came around to a commitment now, is it because he had a revelation or is he just scared? How can you be with someone when you’ll end up thinking he wouldnt want this had he not been forced in some capacity?
When you grow up with your friends & experience everything from tying your Pocahontas sneakers to changing career paths, at what point does it become time to say goodbye, allow them to grow & move on, all while knowing you are going to take them back when they’re done?
Recently, well since 2008, there has been someone in my life, lets call him “Biffle”. He had been dating my psychotic, delusional, cheating, slutty then best friend. Because of her ridiculous behavior, I was often thrown in the middle to mediate and was put under a spotlight, murderer, FBI style to determine whether she spent the night with me or her ex boyfriend (note: it was ALWAYS her ex boyfriend… yeah. what a peach.). My relationship with Biffle grew as we leaned on each other through all the hardships of our breaks ups, pains, work frustrations and just dealing with idiot, inbred morons on a daily basis.
Clearly, they broke up, him and I remained friends, and so on. As time went on, she popped back in the picture. Now, imagine someone you have grown to love, depend on, and someone you’ve seen in so much pain you wish you could inflict it on yourself to take it from the, diving straight back into the one thing they have been fighting to get away from.
It ENRAGED me. I suffer from rage blackouts - dont judge me.
Call me a control freak, or really just a bitch, I couldn’t see it happen. There were hurtful words & pain and a ridiculous parting of ways. Recently, Biffle and I reconnected and it happens from time to time. We hate each other. We love each other. We love to hate. We hate to love. When it ends, we its painful. When we reconnect its like no time has passed and we’re back to where we left off. Tonight, was one of those rekindled nights where we havent spoken since April, and it was like nothing changed.
It got me thinking, is this normal? Do friendships often hit a point where you cant go any further until you’ve had a break? Do you NEED time off of from someone before you can commence what once was, or are you just not meant to be in each others lives and you’re fighting for the wrong reasons?
when we love, do we love the chase, the person, or the idea of them? what defines love from desire and desire from lust and lust to pure sexual rage, or even sheer boredom? when do we separate the “i wants” from the “eh, i got nothing better to do”?
